The Runcible Blog

It's a positively balmy 29 degrees (Fahrenheit) here in Lawrence, and it's supposed to climb up to 32 today. It certainly feels warmer today than it has been recently. It's funny how that works -- compared to the single digit temperatures we've been having, I feel like wearing shorts today!

My car is being "inspected" right now and should be street legal soon. The situation is kind of weird since someone I don't know is driving my car down to be inspected. It seems fishy, but that's the way he wanted to do it. Weird. I hope the car comes back in one piece (that would be an improvement, actually...).

I went to Home Depot yesterday to get a screw so that I could fix the trunk hinge, and I decided to fix the hinge in the parking lot. Since I was sitting in my trunk tinkering away, someone thought I was breaking into the car. A store clerk asked me what I was doing and tried to make sure I wasn't stealing anything. I thought it was kind of funny, but more than that, it renewed some hope in mankind. Well, maybe it wasn't that profound, but even if they're a little paranoid, I'm glad people are looking out for their fellow man.

Recent polls say that Americans overwhelmingly do not support unilateral action against Iraq. But what concerns me is the number of people who would support a war in Iraq as long as it is a coalition effort with the support of several European countries. That stance, to me, is weak. It says that Americans are more comfortable killing people when we have a few friends on our side. That is crazy thinking. It is plain to see that war is not the answer to our problems (seen or unseen). Marvin Gaye said, "Only love can conquer hate." But let's dig a little deeper than that.

As far as I know, Moses brought the Ten Commandments to Judaism, and the fifth commandment is "Thou shalt not kill." I'm sure there are other laws and rules in Judaism that reinforce this rule as well. Christianity shares those commandments, and Jesus told his followers to "turn the other cheek" and "love your neighbor as you love yourself". He made a speech called the Beatitudes in which he said (among other things):

Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God.

So clearly there is a tradition of compassion in the words of Christianity and Judaism (actions are another matter).

Islam is interesting in that it doesn't prohibit killing:

"Do not kill or take human life which God has declared to be sacred", (Qur'an chapter 6: verse 151). There are two exceptions to this general rule. Firstly, a punishment in accordance with Islamic law or, secondly, in the case of a just war.

Unfortunately, that opens a loophole for those who believe their cause is justified. But the thread of prohibiting murder seems to flow through each of those religions.

If you follow Siddhartha Gautama, the Buddha, the teaching is also very clear. In addition to the "vow not to kill" as a precept in Buddhism, the very first Bodhisattva Vow is:

Sentient beings are numberless; I vow to save them all.

Compassion is a huge part of Buddhism and other Eastern religions, and a lot of it comes down to common sense.

My point in making these comparisons isn't to persuade someone into believing one thing or another. Rather, since this country consists of a majority of people (including the president) who ascribe to a religion, why don't they think about the laws in which they believe before signing on to war? I'm sure it's been repeated numerous times, but many people aren't listening.

I'm not Christian, Jewish, or Muslim, and since Buddhism isn't really a religion, I can be counted out of that too. But if you understand that the word "buddha" comes from "waking up", then you can see that everyone is already "sleeping Buddhists". It's simple. Even though the words may fall on deaf ears, whether we pray to a god or chant sutras, our duty is to look at the bigger picture and help this world. Killing others will not help this world in the long run.

The sky is blue. The grass is green. Right?

During the past month, I've learned a few things about car repair:

1) Winter is the wrong time to do any kind of car repair outdoors.
2) It's always harder than what Chilton's Book says.
3) There will always be the right tool to use, and you won't have it.
4) Repairs (especially in cold weather) will take 3 times as long as you thought they would.
5) Car repairs are for people who have three arms, strong necks, and infinite patience.
6) Winter is the wrong time to do any kind of car repair outdoors.

Replacing the CV boot today was a disaster. This particular "Speedi-Boot" must be the worst designed CV boot ever. Everything that could be designed wrong was. I could've made a better replacement out of an old sneaker. The instructions say that one should check the repair every 12,000 miles to make sure it is in tact, but I didn't even make it 3 miles before the boot popped off the clamp, which was so horribly designed that it was impossible to secure the boot as the instructions simply explained. As a result, the joint is actually more vulnerable now that it was before the fix.

I went back to Pep Boys to see if there was something I could get to fix the repair, and I noticed all the different "Speedi-Boot"s they have. And wouldn't you know it, every one of them was better designed than the one I bought just a couple days ago. Great. I guess I'm supposed to pay another $20 for something that should've worked the first time! Screw that!

Usually I'm not someone who would be very angry about something as trivial as a rubber boot, but lying on the ground under my car in below freezing weather for an hour while rust falls into my eyes and my grease-encased hands struggle with badly designed auto parts that don't fit correctly tends to put me in a bad mood. Yeah.

In retrospect, that referrer spamming wasn't much of an "attack". The server load was pretty much zero the entire time, and one request per second is no big deal at all. I'm sure the server could handle much more than that. But the annoyance factor was high.

I've also been wondering about something I see in my logs. When someone using Internet Explorer on Windows accesses my site, the last element to download takes exactly 5 minutes to show up in the logs. Here's an example of what I mean (IP address removed to protect the innocent):


x.x.x.x - - [28/Jan/2003:15:51:51 -0500] "GET /blog/ HTTP/1.1" 200 11792 - "Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows 98)"
x.x.x.x - - [28/Jan/2003:15:51:51 -0500] "GET /blog/styles-site.css HTTP/1.1" 200 5713 - "Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows 98)"
x.x.x.x - - [28/Jan/2003:15:56:53 -0500] "GET /blog/archives/2003/01/27/weird.jpg HTTP/1.1" 200 32768 - "Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows 98)"


The last image shows up in the log five minutes later. (oddly enough, it failed to download the xml.gif...) At first I thought it was taking 5 minutes for those browsers to download the image, but that doesn't make sense. It shouldn't be that slow, and other browsers don't show this problem. Then I remembered an article about some things that Internet Explorer does to increase speed but which break the rules of HTTP. Specifically, it leaves connections open on the server in order to make it quicker to download subsequent pages. Hmm, now that I reread the article, it seems that this might not be an accurate description of what is happening.

Well, I don't know if what Internet Explorer is doing is valid, but there are only two possibilities here: either it takes 5 minutes to download the image completely (unlikely), or Internet Explorer is not closing the connection, causing Apache to timeout after five minutes and close the connection. I don't think that is kosher behavior. Also, I still can't figure out why the webcam image never shows up in Internet Explorer. I don't have access to IE 6.0 on Windows, so maybe I'll never know what's wrong. Thanks, Microsoft!

With one simple command line, I wiped out all 4906 referrer spam hits that my site received over the past hour and a half or so. It amounts to 32 megabytes transferred...all for naught. Try again, spammies.

My website is currently being hit hard by a "referrer spamming" attack (I consider it an attack). In the span of one hour, an automatic script has requested my index page 3050 times (and counting)! The host, 217.227.143.157, is apparently in Germany on a dial-up connection. I don't want to encourage them, but here is a typical line from my access log:

217.227.143.157 - - [28/Jan/2003:13:30:03 -0500] "GET / HTTP/1.0" 200 6765 "http://www.free-adult-cartoons-adult-comics.com/" "Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 4.01; Windows 95)"

I haven't counted, but there are several different referrers being used, and several different user agents. This is really a ridiculous way of spamming someone since it has little effect unless you are displaying referrers on your site. I don't, but I have a separate usage stats page (I won't put a link here, but the link is elsewhere on my site) that google has indexed. The spammer is hoping that those sites will show up on my stats, thus leading people or search engines back to the referred pages. Spamming has reached a new low (could it go any lower?). The most frustrating thing is that I don't have a defense against it unless I do a whole bunch of configuring and reboot the server. For now, I'll just wait for the madness to stop and then cut out those entries from my log. Take that! current hits: 3738 and counting....

I just finished watching Amélie on TV. It's the second time I've seen it (the first time was in the theater with that girl). Anyway, it is a beautiful movie and very well made. I recommend it to anyone. If you can tolerate the romantic fantasy it purports, it's really such a lovely story. Haha, the only problem is that now there are hundreds (thousands?) of girls who either think they are just like Amélie or who want to be like Amélie. I guess I can't blame them…she's so cute!

With a little help from Photoshop:

I must've slipped back into the go-to-bed-late-wake-up-later mode somehow. I was reading about RSS and XHTML and junk like that, and before I knew it, it was 4am. Way to burn up lots of time... Since my car failed re-inspection due to a torn CV boot, a tiny hole in the muffler, and a frozen windshield washer, I continue to tinker with this beast. The muffler hole was simple to fix with some sort of putty (there's a putty for everything, apparently). The windshield washer pump fortunately is not burnt out, but the nozzles and reservoir were frozen. No problem there -- just wait for spring! I bought a universal "quick boot" today and will attempt an install tomorrow. It is a quick fix and not exactly permanent, but I'm not quite daring enough to take off the joint to install a standard boot. (I once took apart the rear wheel of a single speed bike and couldn't figure out how to put it back together....bye bye bike) I'm also concerned that there might be an alternator problem looming, and the car seems to be burning a lot of gas. Why didn't I get a solar powered car? Oh, that's right -- the sun doesn't come out until March.

iCab doesn't earn a place in my dock, I'm sorry to say. Today I fired it up for the first time in a while and saw just how poorly it renders XHTML and CSS. I don't know what the problem is, but other people have complained about it's lack of support for CSS. At least my site renders almost correctly in Internet Explorer for Mac. iCab is far off. If that company expects to charge $30 for a final version, I hope they bring the standards support up to par with other browsers(although Safari has plenty of its own problems. I just don't notice them...)

I wonder why Senator John Kerry is getting so much support these days as he begins his run for the presidency. I think people are just glad that the Democratic party has a voice, but I wouldn't be so quick to jump on Kerry's bandwagon. While he may seem liberal, I think he is liberal only when it suits his political goals. He voted against the first Gulf War but seems to have changed his tune on Saddam this time around by voting to relinquish the authority to wage war that congress is supposed to have in favor of letting Bush run wild. He also voted for the Homeland Security Act, which 40% of Americans feel won't have an effect on safety. Let's not forget about Total Information Awareness. Kerry may say all the right words to gain Democrat support, but he still wouldn't do anything as politically risky as voting against this upcoming war with Iraq. So he can mumble all he wants about how badly the president is handling the situation, but Kerry didn't do much to change anything. There are some things about Kerry's recent, rather long-winded speech that bother me. Here's a contradiction if I ever read one:

Americans deserve better than a false choice between force without diplomacy and diplomacy without force. I believe they deserve a principled diplomacy...backed by undoubted military might...based on enlightened self-interest...

What does that mean?

We need to illuminate an alternative path to a futile Jihad against the world...a path that leads to deeper integration of the greater Middle East into the modern world order.

The gist of his speech is that he advocates a strong globalization effort, particularly in the Muslim world. It sounds like a massive, far-reaching project. And although he says we wouldn't be imposing our ideals on anyone, it sure does sound like it to me. This quote concerns me:

Regrettably the current Administration failed to take the opportunity to bring this issue to the United Nations two years ago or immediately after September 11th, when we had such unity of spirit with our allies.

It sounds like Kerry, if he were president, would've been pressuring Iraq shortly after 9/11/01. Does anyone else think that's a scary thought? There hasn't been any evidence that Iraq was directly involved in the terrorist attacks, and support for a war with Iraq is pretty low just about everywhere in the world, yet Kerry is advocating using that tragedy to gain support for pursuing an unrelated issue. If Bush had gone after Iraq immediately following September 11th, every American would be scratching their head in confusion. For his part, it seems as if he isn't as belligerent as the Bush administration, which is a plus. But Kerry is more willing to have America take charge in international issues. Under him, we would have a "war on terrorism", a "war on aids", a "war on Muslim poverty", a "war on anti-globalization", etc. His speech completely ignored domestic policy, which is disconcerting in itself. How can we attempt to meddle with all of these global problems while our own economy is going down the drain, and there is such a large divide between the "haves" and the "have-nots"? It's noble that Kerry says he wants to fight AIDS in Africa, but what about health care in U.S.A? It might earn him points to say that educating poor Muslims will be a priority, but don't forget the messy American education system's problems. I find it hard to believe that America can solve all of these problems without making compromises. If Kerry is going to be committed to doing something, fine, but let's not make it a half-assed effort in order to earn points in popularity polls. Kerry's final lines are garbage:

"America's resolve to bear the burdens and pay the price of leadership so that we may, as President Kennedy said on a cold January day long ago, 'assure the survival and success of liberty'"

"Bear the burdens"? Please. Yes, it's the White-Man's Burden to "globalize" the poor Muslim heathens (and get a mighty nice deal on their exports, like oil). America's foreign policy has been mildly self-centered at its best and downright nasty at its worst, and I have no reason to believe that Kerry's policy would be any different. While Bush may want to go into foreign countries with guns blazing in order to protect and increase American interests, Kerry is just as greedy -- except he would prefer to slip through the back door while no one is looking. Before Kim Jong-Il can say "Holy che-gi-ral (shit)!" , there'll be a McDonald's on every corner of Pyongyang. Look forward to Kerry continuously playing up his "war hero" image and increasing the comparisons to John F. Kennedy as the presidential race moves into full force. Finally, let me remind everyone that John Kerry is a member of the Order of Skull and Bones (along with Bush). Now, far be it for me to cry conspiracy, but it's a known fact that this group is a self-serving, power-crazed, secret society. I do hope that someone grills Kerry on the topic one of these days.

This latest installment of my favorite spam is just what I've been waiting for -- an all-pizza, no-exercise diet! And if I can lose 22 pounds like the email says, why, that would bring me down to 113lbs! Then I can pursue my modeling career! Yay! Thank you, bulk email!!

From: max_orman@msn.com
To: Me
Cc: (other people with similar email addresses)
Subject: Eat pizza, watch TV ... and lose 22 pounds
Date: Thu, 23 Jan 2003 12:26:55 +1100

Hi !
If you're like me, you've tried EVERYTHING to lose weight. I know how you feel - the special diets, miracle pills, and fancy exercise equipment never helped me lose a pound either. It seemed like the harder I tried, the bigger I got, until I heard about a product called Power Diet Plus.

You're probably thinking to yourself, "Oh geez, not another miracle diet pill!" Like you, I was skeptical at first, but my sister swore it helped her lose 23 pounds in just two weeks, so I told her I'd give it a shot. I mean, there was nothing to lose except a lot of weight! Let me tell you, it was the best decision I've ever made. Period. Six months later, as I'm writing this message to you, I've gone from 355 pounds to 210 pounds, and I haven't changed my exercise routine or diet at all. Yes, I still eat pizza, and lots of it!
...

You're probably asking yourself, "Ok, so how does this stuff actually work?"

Power Diet Plus contains Lipotropic fat burners which are scientifically proven to increase metabolism and cause rapid weight loss. No "hocus pocus" in these pills - just RESULTS, RESULTS, RESULTS!!

Here is the bottom line ...

I can help you lose 10-15 pounds per week naturally, without exercising and without having to eat rice cakes all day. Just try it for one month - there's nothing to lose, and everything to gain. You will lose weight fast - GUARANTEED. That is my pledge to you.

Wait a minute. If there's nothing to lose, how can I lose weight? Is that saying that I'm gaining a loss in weight? Zha??
And it's pretty cool that I can lose 10-15 pounds per week. If I continue with the program, in just over two months, I'll vanish into nothingness. Send me them pills!

Bush's State of The Union Address. It speaks for itself. Found via The Long Letter

This is somewhat old news (Sept. 2002), but I thought it was an interesting article and still relevant to our upcoming Gulf War II. The Bombing of Afghanistan as Reflection of 9/11 and Different Valuations of Life by Marc Herold. From the article:

A weak president was able to turn this into the quick-fix of a revenge attack upon Afghanistan. A quick response was also desired by our culture with its penchant for the fast, the instant, the get-to-the-solution. A strong president would, instead, have stood tall and demanded the patience and resolve of the American public in tracking down the criminal perpetrators of the 9/11 attacks, using the combined powers of the international intelligence communities.

There are those who would criticize the author for neglecting America's loss and focusing entirely on foreign deaths, but as the author states, "I have chosen, today as we remember, to focus upon Afghanistan because it is the lesser known of the twin tragedies. It is the 'Other' tragedy." If the mainstream media had done it's job of reporting the facts and providing a balanced story, there would be no need for articles like these. Here's a fancy graph:

"To say that the civilian deaths from aerial bombardment are unintentional is sophistry, because if there is a probability that the bombs will hit civilian targets, then ipso facto the civilian deaths are not unintentional. This is tantamount to saying that a drunk driver who did not intend to kill someone in an "accident" should be set free for lacking of such intention...aerial bombardment always already intends to kill civilians, despite the best intentions of military planners."

The above quote reminded me of a recent cable news anchor interviewing a retired general or some other "expert" and mentioning "...a war with Iraq could mean possible casualties..." Hello? "possible casualties" in a war? Of course there will be casualties, and lots of them! The problem is that Americans are largely blind to all the death that war brings. Even in the last Gulf War, the media was kept far away from the front lines, and most of the war footage was coming from the DOD, particularly all the video game "smart"-bomb cameras. Don't think the military isn't carefully controlling what we see. In an article entitled What Bodies?, Patrick Sloyan describes one battle in Iraq and the ensuing cover-up by the army. It is a literal "cover-up" -- the "Armored Combat Earth" movers' jobs are to go through the battle field and plow over all the dead bodies. Think about that. Finally, back to the original article:

"Washington's war on terrorism is primarily a euphemism for extending US control in the world. Following its bombing of Iraq, the US wound up with military bases in Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Bahrain, Qatar. Following its bombing of Yugoslavia, the US wound up with military bases in Kosovo, Albania, Macedonia, Hungary, Bosnia and Croatia. Following its bombing of Afghanistan, Washington appears on course to wind up with military bases in Afghanistan, Pakistan, Uzbekistan, Tajikistan, Kyrgyzstan and perhaps elsewhere in the region. Thus does the empire grow."

By all accounts, the "clock is ticking" toward a war with Iraq(even though the president originally said there was no timetable...). It may be too late to stop the clock, but it's important for Americans to see the real toll on human life that war takes and the priorities our culture (not to mention the culture of terrorism) places regarding the value of one person's life over another's. Do life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness not apply to the rest of the world's civilians?

I was wandering around Newbury Comics today for quite a while and ended up not buying anything. I figured it would be a better idea to save my money. Stevie Wonder can wait. Well, that was a short entry.

I've just changed my archive calendars to a template from diveintomark.org. It's really spiffy. Take a look. I suspect maybe a total of three people (including me) will actually ever look at them, but oh well. The template uses some complicated (for me anyway) CSS which I'll have to look at later when I'm more awake.

I'm sure I'm not the only person to notice the "evolution" of the generic American accent recently. Although there are many many American accents, because of TV, movies, and radio, all of those individual accents are starting to sound similar. By far the biggest change I've noticed is that people are dropping "internal t's" so that words like "Internet", "Pentium", and "center" become "Innernet", "Pennium", and "cenner". It's becoming increasingly obvious in TV advertisements. I saw an ad for "Ren-A-Cenner" the other day, for instance. Even before I noticed this lack of t's, I was hearing the different ways people pronounce the letter "o". "Not" and "pop" are becoming "naht" and "pahp". That may sound normal to west coast speakers, but up here in the frozen tundra of Massachusetts, I've always heard those words as "nawt" and "pawp" (close approximation). It's also closer to the British pronunciation. Of course, we Massholes have our own quirky accent (that, might I add, Hollywood almost NEVER gets right). It's well known that we tend to leave out the r's, but it's not as serious as the clichéd Bostonian portrayal in movies, which tends to sound more like a New York accent than a Boston one. And there are also definite differences between the South-of-Boston accent and the North-of-Boston accent, not to mention the Berkshire accent. There are even subtle differences between Haverhill speakers, Lawrence folks, and Andover bourgeoisie. But I'm straying from the point... The point is that I'll bet a lot of those regional accents will disappear as children are exposed to a deluge of west coast-based media and their particular manner of speech. I'm not saying I'm opposed to this inevitable consolidation of accents, but let's just hope future generations don't all sound like the "Dude, yer gettin a Dell" caricature of a teen...

A little while ago in the Market Basket parking lot, two guys in a passing SUV yelled at me to come over and check out their speakers. So I went over, and the guy got out and proceeded to tell me this obviously-a-scam story in a fast, loud voice. He wasn't from the area and got these speakers for free from some person somehow (I couldn't quite follow), and he wanted to sell them "real cheap". The other guy threw him a catalog, and he showed me what the speakers were since they were in boxes. They were large, 3 way generic-brand speakers with a list price of $1000 each...sure. So he bugged me about buying them for a great price. Even though I said I had no money, he urged, "you can go to an ATM and get a few bucks!" I asked him how much he wanted for them, and he said he'd cut me a deal -- 1/3 the list price, or a couple hundred bucks or something like that. No thanks, dude. When he asked how much I'd be willing to spend, I said, "uhh, maybe $20." haha! Realizing he wasn't going to get anything out of me, he hopped back inside and drove away to find another sucker. I mean, really. Does anyone actually fall for those scams? This is the second time I've been approached by these speaker scam artists. I don't think they're going to get much business in Lawrence and Methuen, where everybody already has their own stolen stereo system...

After what can only be described as a terrible paint job, my car repairs are finished (for the moment). Let's hope that the nearly 3 liters of Bondo will last long enough to get the car re-inspected. It's too bad I didn't take before and after pictures since this is quite a dramatic change. Ugly, but dramatic. Now I can move on to other things and plans...

But I might forget what I wanted to say. Well, today would've been the day we left for New Orleans. But have no fear, the plans are in the works. --- In reference to this: I don't know what the term "naturally lonely person" means. What are you trying to say? Are you implying that I'm extroverted and have all sorts of people to share my feelings with? That's not true. Not at all. And it seems like an excuse to say that someone is "naturally lonely" or not. People can change those characteristics if they choose. There's no "lonely gene". I'm positive you have more and better friends than I do, so what is your point? Also, a connection with another person is not the same thing as simply interacting. I didn't say people shouldn't interact with others; I didn't even say we shouldn't try to connect with others. But it all comes down to intent. I don't know where you got the idea that "no act is selfless". That is absolutely untrue. There are selfless acts happening all the time in the world. There isn't even a debate although you can try to explain what you mean. You're just dead wrong on that issue. And as long as you believe that no act is selfless, you'll never be less selfish. And yes I know that we have this tendency to judge people or assign labels, but don't say that it's impossible to think another way. Don't try to dismiss what I say by claiming that it isn't from my "heart". Well, it isn't. My heart doesn't think. But I do put a lot of energy into conversations with people. I wasn't cutting and pasting from a book. If I didn't believe what I wrote, I wouldn't have written it. Take it or leave it (though I think you'll leave it). Get over your inferiority complex. Just because you judge me doesn't mean I'm judging you or thinking I'm "better" than you. And you're right, I shouldn't try to fix you, and I won't try anymore. It seems I did more harm than good. I can't say I didn't see this coming.

I've been working on making my site more standards-compliant. This page should now validate as XHTML. (Thanks to Michael Hanscom for the tip about blockquotes.) You can check by clicking on this button: The index is also valid XHTML. Probably the only part that will be tough to validate is the gallery since it is a software package using PHP, and I haven't looked at the code yet. In other news, I gave myself a haircut. Here I am:

Insecurities are stupid. It doesn't mean that you are stupid, but recognizing there's a problem is the first step. Addictions are stupid too, but you don't hear people saying "don't criticize my addiction! it's MY addiction!" This is directed at someone in particular, but it makes sense for everyone. Don't justify insecurity by saying that everyone has them, and don't look for people to tell you those things. It can seem very comfortable to have a circle of friends with the same problems -- that way you can all tell each other that having those problems is normal and OK. But it isn't OK. What it amounts to is digging your own hole. Or, at the very best it is providing furniture in your hole to make living under the dirt easier. And hey, if you've got a bunch of friends living in that hole with you, all the better, right? No! Climb out while you still can! Yes, humans are social beings, but we are also very much lonely beings. We try at all costs to distract ourselves from that deep loneliness, but it is always there. Embracing loneliness seems like a crazy thing to do, but it's really not crazy and not abnormal or pessimistic. Every moment of our lives, we are alone with our thoughts. No one else can hear them. We are trapped inside our own heads. But that's not bad at all. It's just the way we are. We aren't telepathic. Just realize it. It may be that we strive to have a connection with others, but first we have to connect with ourselves. If you are trying to connect with others in order to distract yourself or postpone connecting with yourself, then stop right there. But a real connection is not yielding to someone else. Casting aside your own personality for the sake of approval does not create a connection. And why do we want to "connect" with others? Is it to feel safe? It could be. It shouldn't be selfish in any way, visible or not. It should be an act of complete selflessness, but that's hard. The way to connect with others is to know yourself and to open yourself completely. And if the other person is completely open also, then you've got quite a connection. But if you keep even a crumb of yourself from the other person, the connection will be tenuous at best. Of course, opening yourself completely to others entails being vulnerable. And not many people want to be that vulnerable. But we must. There's no hiding from pain, but human beings have a certain propensity for distracting themselves in so many ways from the ongoing suffering. Those who feel they must keep busy at all times are firmly ensconced in this cycle of suffering. They are so immersed that they can't ever stop being busy or else all that suffering would catch up to them, and they wouldn't know what to do with it. You could say this is all human nature, so why bother fighting? Well, it is human nature, but then again it isn't. We don't really know what human nature is, so we sort of stumble along with our suffering-nature. "What is human nature?" is an essential question. True human nature is something different than how we act, but then again it isn't different at all. It's different and the same at once. Do you see? It's right there in front of us. Let's open our eyes and see. Now it's time for me to close my eyes and sleep. Remember, it isn't true teaching unless it sounds like it's forcing something on you...The truth isn't easy. I'm far from understanding who I am and what human nature is and the way out of samsara, but for the sake of the world, let's give it a shot.

This story is hard to believe, but trust me, it's true. I was in the Park Street T station today waiting for the redline train to arrive. As usual, there was a guy playing a guitar down there. He was playing "Knocking on Heaven's Door", to be precise. And apparently (I didn't see this part but heard other people talk about it) a guy from across the tracks really liked this guitarist's rendition of the song and wanted to give him a tip. So he made a dollar bill into a paper airplane and threw it across the tracks, but of course the plane didn't reach the other side. Then, in an act of amazing stupidity, the guy jumped down onto the tracks and fell across the third rail and the track. (this I witnessed with my own eyes, literally right in front of me on the track. I had my camera but didn't take a picture, nor did I help. What could I do? My mind was blank) I'm not sure what happened to him, but I think he must've had a bit of a shock. He stumbled and had trouble getting up off of the third rail. People were screaming at him to get away from it and for others to help him out of the tracks. All the while, he picked himself up, stumbled around, and retrieved the dollar to give it to the guitarist. Then, he stumbled back to the other side and tried to climb back up BY STEPPING ON THE THIRD RAIL! He made it up with the help of a few other people and then walked away in a state of confusion, limping. Never before have I seen such a crazy, idiotic stunt. Apparently the man was pretty scratched and bruised, and he is very lucky that he didn't jump down there before a train arrived because he would've been a goner. The image of him writhing on the third and second rails is still in my head. It was unbelievable, and all I could do was stare....that's how unbelievable it was. It caused a 15 minute delay as the MBTA inspected the area and went to look for the man. I'm sure there is some penalty (besides potential death) for doing something stupid like he did. Well, that's the story, told in my dull, verbose way.

I've added the mod_gzip module to my Apache webserver. It compresses my webpages on the fly and sends it to your browser if it supports that feature. I'm not sure which browsers support it, but I know that it works with Mozilla but doesn't seem to work with Safari. Either way, it should be completely transparent to the reader. It SHOULD work to decrease download times for the HTML, especially on dial-up links. I haven't tested, so I don't know if it makes any difference yet. I'm not sure if the added overhead of gzipping all the files on the fly and writing an extra log will counteract any expected speed increases (considering it's a slow 166Mhz processor...). Anyway, I'll work on other ways to optimize the site. Enough geek talk for now.

I had a good laugh while reading these "Bushisms", but then I was upset that someone with such literacy problems could be elected president. Here are some gems:

"I was proud the other day when both Republicans and Democrats stood with me in the Rose Garden to announce their support for a clear statement of purpose: you disarm, or we will." —Speaking about Saddam Hussein, Manchester, N.H., Oct. 5, 2002

I'm sure Saddam is scared of the threat of us disarming.

"People say, how can I help on this war against terror? How can I fight evil? You can do so by mentoring a child; by going into a shut-in's house and say I love you." —Washington, D.C., Sept. 19, 2002

That warms my heart.

"See, we love—we love freedom. That's what they didn't understand. They hate things; we love things. They act out of hatred; we don't seek revenge, we seek justice out of love." —Oklahoma City, Aug. 29, 2002

It's that simple, people. They hate things; we love things. I couldn't have said it any more insightfuller.

"My administration has been calling upon all the leaders in the—in the Middle East to do everything they can to stop the violence, to tell the different parties involved that peace will never happen." —Crawford, Texas, Aug, 13, 2001

Always optimistic.

"There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead." —Washington, D.C., May 11, 2001

haha

"The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants." —Interview with the New York Times , Jan. 14, 2001

That is a problem. Where are they going to get the power to power the plants??

"I want it to be said that the Bush administration was a results-oriented administration, because I believe the results of focusing our attention and energy on teaching children to read and having an education system that's responsive to the child and to the parents, as opposed to mired in a system that refuses to change, will make America what we want it to be—a literate country and a hopefuller country." —Washington, D.C., Jan. 11, 2001

no comment...

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

I want a T shirt with that quote.

"I don't know whether I'm going to win or not. I think I am. I do know I'm ready for the job. And, if not, that's just the way it goes." —Des Moines, Iowa, Aug. 21, 2000

"I think we agree, the past is over." —On his meeting with John McCain, Dallas Morning News , May 10, 2000

I disagree! The past is never over!

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it." --Reuters, May 5, 2000

either a budget or a phone book...

And the corn chowder isn't invited! Phew, I don't know what was in that can of corn chowder that I made, but it didn't stay inside me for very long. No sir, it zipped through my intestines in about an hour. That's fast. What are there, 20 feet of intestines? That stuff was chugging along and making lots of noisy grumblings on it's way though my alimentary canal. I don't know why it made such a brief appearance...I don't think the milk was expired, but maybe the saucepan I cooked it in was dirty. Or maybe there was a hint of botulism. Yum!

I was thinking about how durable my auto body repairs will be, and I don't think they will last very long. First of all, Bondo isn't really considered a permanent fix (I think) even if it is professionally done, which it hasn't. My decision to use aluminum flashing as patches rather than the recommended sheet metal could prove to be the weak link in the repair. For one thing, aluminum bends more easily, and if it bends enough (or even if it just flexes back and forth a lot over a period of time), the Bondo supporting the whole structure is liable to crack and fall off. And if that doesn't do the trick, there could be some trouble in the summer as the aluminum embedded inside Bondo starts to expand. "Steel's thermal expansion is 1/4th that of aluminum's. When using a hybrid steel and aluminum design concept, the difference in expansion rates may cause premature failure of joints and fasteners. " And "Aluminum's galvanic potential is high, while steel's is low. On an auto body, when aluminum and steel are in direct contact, accelerated corrosion is evident. " That conjecture could be a worst case scenario though. The Bondo is really thick -- I slathered it on pretty liberally. I don't know how much vibration the wheel wells and quarter panels receive, but the thermal expansion issue might crop up. Basically, I have no idea what will happen, but if my Bondo car crumbles, I'll get another can of that wonderful substance... After I primed and painted one side I realized that I got the wrong shade of gray spray paint. It seemed close enough at the time, but I guess it looks different when you put it on the car. Now the repairs scream "Look at me! I'm a poorly-done repair! Check out the masking tape marks and the paint splatter on the bumper! Rock on!" (At least that's what it screams when the paint and Bondo fumes grab ahold of me...) To cap everything off, I might add a design or write my name on the hood. Now that's classy.

Lately I've been lacking inspiration. I haven't taken a single photograph in a long time. I don't know if it's just that nothing has interested me around here or that I'm not interested in making pictures. Oddly enough, since I got my car, I've probably gone out less than I did before (although since my class finished I've had less reason to go to boston). I'm thinking that if I move ahead full bore on this proposed trip, I might find my inspiration down south. The thread of inspiration is there -- it's my choice to follow it or stay here and look for something else. The little gremlins that I see when I take a whiff of Bondo fumes try to plant the seed of doubt in my mind. They tell me I can't do it or shouldn't do it or should do something more practical, etc. And unfortunately for most of those times when I've felt a pull from some other thread of inspiration, those gremlins (manifested in human form rather than styrene-induced hallucinogenic apparitions) have succeeded in keeping me right here. (sometimes I'm my own gremlin) I've got to get moving if I'm really going to go through with this scheme.

I've had some odd dreams the past few nights. I don't remember most of the details but remember that they were weird. In one dream, I made a series of short films and presented them to a class. I don't know what they were about, but they were well made and interesting. In a dream last night, I was watching a girl shop in a store. After thinking for a while, I remembered that it was a certain person that I had seen at NESOP a few times. I don't know why she appeared in my dream. It wasn't THAT kind of dream... There were other weird dreams too. I wonder if it has something to do with what I eat before going to bed....(peyote ice cream)

I started to attempt a repair on my rust-laden car using the wonderful Bondo polyester based filler putty. (at least I think that's what it's made of) Let me tell you, that stuff has some serious fumes. Nevermind the fact that it contains carcinogens... At any rate, I did a very messy, ugly, and unprofessional job on the rear wheel well. When I realized that the Bondo was not going to fill in the large hole above the wheel, I cut a strip of aluminum flashing, stuck it to the Bondo over the hole, and slathered on some more to make it stick. (I can see auto body specialists cringe right now...) As far as I know, I don't think there's a law that says you have to do the repair correctly -- just as long as every hole is covered with something other than duct tape, I should be fine for the inspection, right? sure. But hey, don't knock aluminum flashing (no, seriously, don't knock it. it'll deform quicker than you can say "crappy repair"). Although it's basically one step up from tin foil, it has held up surprisingly well on the front driver's side quarter panel where I fastened it with duct tape. In fact, it's so easy to work with and durable, I'll probably use it on that same panel tomorrow when I attempt to repair the ~6 inch hole, but I'll probably use a 2-ply solution to increase strength. who needs sheet metal? Not me. It'll be a tricky fix. I don't have pop rivets (whatever those are...) or sheet metal, so I might just slap the flashing on there and secure it with liberal amounts of Bondo. Then it'll be as good as new!

I don't watch the network news very much, but it seems like there's always some "investigative report" that just blows the lid off of some obscure scam or other pointless story. And increasingly, the stories sound like some reporter's, producer's, or executive's personal grudge. Does anyone else notice that? For instance, I imagine a producer waking up one day to see that the garbage men didn't pick up his trash that morning, so the next week the 11 o'clock news runs a story that exposes how lazy and incompetent garbage men are. Cut to a reporter jumping on the back of a garbage truck, confronting a worker by shoving a microphone in his face and imploring, "isn't it true that you're lazy?! Isn't it true that you take lunch breaks that are 3 minutes too long?!?! Do you expect the taxpayers to pay for your incompetence?!?!" It's silly. Actually, I saw a real example tonight on 20/20 which made me feel better knowing that Barbara Walters and her posse are covering all the important issues of our day. They exposed the multi-thousand dollar anti-baldness scam, finally. They harassed several people, including salesmen and phony doctors (does anyone really believe TV doctors on commercials?) to show that those guys are trying to cheat YOU, the balding rich guy, out of your hard-earned money. Thank goodness for 20/20. It makes me wonder which of the balding producers lost a bunch of money on minoxidil pills. "Let's get those bastards!" What's next, an exposé that reveals the scaly underside of the penis-enlargement industry? Maybe Andy Rooney can cover that one.

I recorded a video of my novice rendition of "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd using this webcam. Here it is (8.2MB and requires Quicktime). Of course, IANAG (I Am Not A Guitarist), so keep that in mind.

It seems like the plans have fallen through on the trip to New Orleans, at least as far as going with Lorin. It's disappointing, but I'm thinking of alternate plans....The gears are turning. I'm trying to contact America's Wetlands to find more information specifically regarding photography. In other news, Apocalypse Now - Redux is a long movie but worth seeing, definitely. In other other news, Judy scratched me. ouch.

Two Democratic Congressman have introduced a bill that would reinstate the draft. They hope to raise questions concerning the composition of our volunteer military and the disproportionate number of minorities and poor people who go to war and die for the country. In the proposed bill, college students and others who were previously exempted in the last draft 30 years ago would be conscripted into the military. The bill, however, stands little chance of passing but is rather designed to challenge the administration's gun-ho attitude towards a unilateral preemptive strike against Iraq and possibly North Korea. I thought this bit of news was amusing considering a recent conversation I had....

So the plan is to leave for New Orleans with Lorin on January 20th, making stops in New York, Philadelphia, Birmingham, and possibly other places along the way. We'll be very frugal and return by the 30th. Louisiana is a fascinating place -- the birthplace of jazz, zydeco, cajun food...It also accounts for 80% of the U.S's land loss. Every year, between 25 and 35 square miles of Louisiana sinks into the ocean because humans have sought to divert and contain the mighty Mississippi River. It's a very big environmental problem, and I'd be interested to see the effects on the land and the people, while some of it is still there. More updates later.

This article summarizes some of the dictatorial things the current administration has been doing: The Secretive, Undemocratic Bush Administration

yesterday certainly was interesting. And I didn't even leave the house.... --------- I came across this inspiring article today that deals with the title question, "what should I do with my life?". It's something that I and lots and lots of other people, including most of my peers that I know, are dealing with at this age. From the article:

Shouldn't I make money first -- to fund my dream? The notion that there's an order to your working life is an almost classic assumption: Pay your dues, and then tend to your dream. I expected to find numerous examples of the truth of this path. But I didn't find any. .... It turns out that having the Financial independence to walk away rarely triggers people to do just that. The reality is, making money is such hard work that it changes you. It takes twice as long as anyone plans for. It requires more sacrifices than anyone expects. You become so emotionally invested in that world -- and psychologically adapted to it -- that you don't really want to ditch it.

I've had an issue with people who have told me exactly that "classic assumption", and although I know based on seeing other people's experiences that the author is right, it's easy to get into the trap of putting off my dreams when the proponents are so vocal. Of course, then the question is still, "what should I do with my life?"...And here is a good nugget of truth from the article:

The right question is, How can I find something that moves my heart, so that the inevitable crap storm is bearable?

I'm still looking for the answer to that question.

Wow. It's 2003 already. For the record, I rang in the new year sitting on my couch by myself watching Falling Down (highly recommended) and eating Oreos. How sad is that? I don't know.