The Runcible Blog
Jump to navigation"What do you say?" "Peeeeas."
I'm not going to say "please." I don't say the word, and I wouldn't recommend saying it, either. Too often I hear people automatically saying "please"; the thoughtlessness of that habit just becomes grating to hear after a while. I usually hear the word when someone is ordering food: "I'll have a blah-blah sandwich, please. With ketchup, please. Yes, please." Enough of that! The server isn't going to withhold the food if the customer doesn't say please.
Yes, I know that it's supposed to be basic manners and courtesy, but when manners become rote repetition, what meaning do they have? The way I see it, there's no need to add politeness modifiers onto a request. Just be clear about what you want from someone, and then it's the other person's decision whether to go along with your request. If somebody needs a flowery word like "please" to sweeten the deal, well then, screw 'em. First it's "please," then it's money, and then what? It's a slippery slope of relinquishing your free will!
Well, maybe not. The point is not to speak out of habit. Even though I don't say "please," I try to say "thank you" when it's appropriate. You just made me a burrito? Thank you. You sold me a widget? Thank you. But you've really got to mean it when you say it. The truth is, I don't say "thank you" nearly enough as I should. People help me all the time, despite not saying "please," yet I'm not thoughtful enough to appreciate their compassion. Perhaps "thank you" isn't necessary, as long as I somehow appreciate someone's compassion. The trick, I suppose, is being thankful without letting "thank you" lose meaning.
The funny thing is that even though I don't say "please" in normal conversation, I try to say it in Japanese during Judo practice. Apparently, there's a tradition of saying "お願いします。" (onegaishimasu) before sparring with somebody of a higher rank. onegaishimasu is roughly, "please," but it's more complicated because it's used in different contexts, and it's more formal. In Judo, it means something like "please teach me" or "I hope our time together goes well." It makes sense that a lower-ranked judoka might have to make a polite request to a black belt in order to train with him (at least in Japan's class-conscious culture). Although I basically never hear it at the dojo, there's a particular black belt who said it to me before sparring, and after I looked up the meaning, I started saying it. It seems like a really great thing to say: onegaishimasu and bow, then let's beat each other up! It means, "I pray to you" to teach me, by throwing me on the ground. And since I don't know Japanese, it's hard to say onegai shimasu flippantly. I've got to think about it before saying it. If I say it, I've got to mean it. "I beg you to teach me!" — yes, even the lowly beginner who doesn't know anything. "Please teach me!"
I'm sure that if I lived in Japan I would get used to saying all sorts of wacky things depending on what kind of person I was speaking to, and frankly, I'm glad that we don't take politeness to the extreme that other countries do. But our weakness is that we invented a simple word to express a huge range of emotions, from "ketchup, please" to "please stop stabbing me!". The word's simplicity, and our training in politeness, make us less authentic. Politeness becomes a cheap façade, while we forget to be genuinely appreciative. I say, forget about "please."
onegaishimasu
Comments
By: Dave on July 30, 2010 at 11:06 p.m.
Sarah: "onegai shimasu" looked weird to me, too, but I saw that spelling on some tutorial site and went with that. I'm sure there's a correct way to Romanize the word. *shrug* I should learn Japanese.
Eddie: I know that you've spent much more time thinking about habits of behavior than I have, so I'm a little reluctant to engage on that point. But it does seem to me that you have a broader definition of "habit" than I do. Not to bust out the dictionary, but there are two relevant senses of the word: "habit of mind" – what makes up a person's character; and "an involuntary behavior," which is what I think of by saying "habit." Maybe that's what you mean as well, but if so, then I think I disagree. It's the involuntary part that my post is objecting to. If a behavior is so ingrained that it doesn't require any conscious thought, then is it genuine in that moment?
I think there are many different kinds of habits. You could say that I have a habit of picking my nose, or hanging my keys up a certain way when I get home, or waking up at a certain time. You might also say that I have a habit of attending judo classes, or I have a photography habit. I would say that the latter kinds of habits are very different, even though they may all be considered habits that make me who I am.
Do you remember when Matt got into the habit of saying "hello!" when someone sneezed? Before that, he had a habit of saying "bless you," but he trained himself to have a new habit. Once trained, the "hello!" came automatically. But what is the intention in either case? I'd argue that "hello!" is just as meaningful as "bless you," which is to say, not very meaningful. I feel that when "please" becomes as habitual, automatic, and especially involuntary, it's just as meaningful as saying "hello!" instead. It's an empty gesture, even if it may have once had some meaning.
Another anecdote about habituation: I just started trying yoga, and one thing that two teachers have stressed is not getting into an extremely relaxed mode when doing the motions. It's hard for me just to follow along, but I can see that more advanced folks have no problem stretching and contorting every which way. They have developed the muscle memory (habituation) such that it's easy for them to go through the motions, but that just means that they need to push themselves further, outside of their comfort zone. Being too relaxed in this context means that they're in danger of forgetting how every body part feels; maybe their minds will start to wander or fall asleep. Even as the practice becomes easier through habituation, the teachers would stress a constant, conscious awareness of the body and mind. In effect, experts have to fight against habituation.
I don't know if any of this makes sense. It's my first day.
By: sarah on July 30, 2010 at 8:16 p.m.
unrelated to the majority of the content and meaning of both this interesting post, and the thoughtful comment by eddie, above, (really, this is so far from a useful comment, i apologize in advance) i find it highly distracting to see "onegaishimasu" written as two words. the "shimasu" is a specific form of the verb that designates this word as being in the present tense, but it part of the whole word and its meaning. (perhaps it's written this way as a way to teach or easily get across the core of the verb, but still, distracting.)
By: Eddie on July 27, 2010 at 10:48 a.m.
It is definitely a good thing to mean what you say. But I do not understand why saying something out of habit would somehow rob it of meaning. It certainly seems entirely possible (in fact, I would have to say that it seems obvious to me that the foundation of "meaning something" at all is deeply dependent on habit) to habitually mean something.
But what's more, several of the greatest traditions of eastern and western thought seem to emphasize habit as being not only a part of good character but also vital to it. In Buddhism, though there is a strong emphasis on being in the moment, that is not (I believe) to be interpreted as counter to habit -- in fact, there is much one must assign to habit in order to be fully in the moment of what one is doing (focus on a thing requires that all else is done out of well-developed good habit). And in Aristotle's views on morality and friendship, not only is habit important, it is in fact the soul of virtue that the good things that we do come straight from well-developed behavior patterns that are unlikely to change because deeply ingrained in the character.
What I do agree with is that the notion of "politeness" and the associated notion of etiquette has been warped in a way that makes them bad substitutes for what we should really focus on -- mutual respect and kindness.
When I teach my children to be "polite" (as mentioned above, a notion I almost wholly reject), what I am really doing is teaching them habits that will exude kindness and understanding of others. We say 'please' because when we ask something of someone else, we acknowledge that we are in some part dependent on others' expending their valuable time in helping us achieve our goals. We say 'thank you' to reinforce that such behaviors are mutually valuable, and that we all exist in a web of give-and-take that has the potential to make life better for all of us.
By: sj on August 6, 2010 at 10:02 p.m.
i am not convinced you can ever truly tell if for someone it's just an involuntary behavior or not. it might come quickly and easily, but that doesn't mean it's without conscious consideration of the meaning.